Accessing emotions through just words.

She was too little

She didn't understand,

Why her daddy was leaving,

To that far away land.

She didn't know war,

but she didn't like it much

it took away her hero

She missed his loving touch

Months gone by

She barely remembers his face

her strongest memory,

is the picture above the fireplace.

one day her mommy cried

But she couldn't understand why

" Daddy will be home soon,

mommy..there's no reason to cry.."

her mommy paused,

and shared a loving smile.

"Daddy's gone to heaven,

we won't see him for awhile..

"She was to little,

She didn't understand..

Why the angels took her daddy

to that far away land.

-KMV

Aww. Hey Bitchface!

Don't you LOVE the thick aroma of bullshit when you wake up in the morning?

When will people get it into their heads that my world doesn't revolve around approval from you. I know that's what you like to think when you get together with other hens and cluck around your cups of coffee and pick out who to victimize next.

It's cool though. I thrive knowing that I'm half your age with twice as much class.

Oh, and my husband talks to me everyday. I thought you should know since it was so important to compare your shit relationship to my amazing one.

This blog is dedicated to the bitch who decided to myspace stalk me and send some ignorant message to me. I hope you stalk it a little more and that brings you to here.

Oh yeah, I did it. I totally did the high school thing and called you out on a blog. You can save that ammo for later. Go on, put it in your pocket. I'll be waiting.

one of my angsty moments.

There is always one of these nights. It never really fails that I will stay awake trying to push nagging thoughts away but it never works.
Of course I regret it the minute morning hits and ayva is up and ready to start a new day of exploring. But, thats what she does best and it's what keeps me waking up to a new day.
I wish I could sit down. and catch up with every friend I've ever missed in this chaotic military life. Believe me, there is plenty. to all of you, who may or may not read this blog. Hell, who may not even know you've made an impact on my life... I miss you. I don't , not write, because I don't care. Sometimes I get caught up in the frenzy of emotions that is my life and I simply forget to. But that never means that I forget you.
I think that people here think that I am snobby. Maybe. I really don't know what they think but I know that I certainly may come of that way at times.
I've built this wall around myself because I'm so scared of being let down. All I want is a true friend that I can let into the deepest corners of my soul and never fear that they would take advantage of my weak spots. But everytime I let someone through a crack in the wall. That is what happens. When will I learn to just be a friend and have a friend. and not worry. Not let them in to deep, but don't push them away. I'm not sure if this makes much sense, but I suppose these blogs are for my own reflection anyway.
I'm ready for anthony to come home. ha. If it were only that easy right? I'm done being sad. I'm done being lonely. I've hit the pissed off stage.
You know this stage.
When you want to find whoever is responsible for sending him there and ship him in a box labeled Iraq and on the return address slot simply write " Don't Bother"
Sick mood I'm in. I know. I can't help it. We're 10 whole months into this stupid, stupid deployment and the only emotion I can think to feel right now is anger. Just bring him home safe. God don't deprive my daughter of knowing this wonderful man who is her father. And my husband.
Obviously this is a whole lot of random rantings. but hell, this is what I do best.
I've been told that I only seem to write when my emotions are running hot. I guess I'm living up to that.

one of my angsty moments.

There is always one of these nights. It never really fails that I will stay awake trying to push nagging thoughts away but it never works.
Of course I regret it the minute morning hits and ayva is up and ready to start a new day of exploring. But, thats what she does best and it's what keeps me waking up to a new day.
I wish I could sit down. and catch up with every friend I've ever missed in this chaotic military life. Believe me, there is plenty. to all of you, who may or may not read this blog. Hell, who may not even know you've made an impact on my life... I miss you. I don't , not write, because I don't care. Sometimes I get caught up in the frenzy of emotions that is my life and I simply forget to. But that never means that I forget you.
I think that people here think that I am snobby. Maybe. I really don't know what they think but I know that I certainly may come of that way at times.
I've built this wall around myself because I'm so scared of being let down. All I want is a true friend that I can let into the deepest corners of my soul and never fear that they would take advantage of my weak spots. But everytime I let someone through a crack in the wall. That is what happens. When will I learn to just be a friend and have a friend. and not worry. Not let them in to deep, but don't push them away. I'm not sure if this makes much sense, but I suppose these blogs are for my own reflection anyway.
I'm ready for anthony to come home. ha. If it were only that easy right? I'm done being sad. I'm done being lonely. I've hit the pissed off stage.
You know this stage.
When you want to find whoever is responsible for sending him there and ship him in a box labeled Iraq and on the return address slot simply write " Don't Bother"
Sick mood I'm in. I know. I can't help it. We're 10 whole months into this stupid, stupid deployment and the only emotion I can think to feel right now is anger. Just bring him home safe. God don't deprive my daughter of knowing this wonderful man who is her father. And my husband.
Obviously this is a whole lot of random rantings. but hell, this is what I do best.
I've been told that I only seem to write when my emotions are running hot. I guess I'm living up to that.

"lyke zomg R U tht fn stoopid?!"

To whom this may concern.
Which includes a few people actually.
I've never been an openly bitchy person. Not to anyones face because the thought of confrontation scares the hell out of me. No lie. If I get caught up in a screaming match, I tend to shake like hell and want to puke.
but I do feel the need to get things off of my chest from time to time. I won't call you out in a blog or anything equally as 'highschool' as that. But I think I have the right to write whatever I want in my own blog ( as someone pointed out to me in a previous one)

I try not to hate anyone. But when you shove your ignorance in my face it makes me want to slap the holy hell out of you. You make me look bad. You make other sane, young married girls look bad. So take your naive stupid self swallow a dose of reality and chase it down with a piece of humble pie.
newsflash to many others. Your husband is not the only one who is away. I might not feel the urge to whine about it every 2 seconds. But mine is gone too. And no, just because you had a baby while he was gone doesn't mean your life is harder. You picked the WRONG person to mention that too.

wen u type lyk dis it drvs da livin hell outta m3. lyke zomg R U tht fn stoopid?!

Guess what? I was married for 2 years BEFORE I got pregnant with ayva. Not after. Just in case you forgot.
And here's the topper to them all.
Whoever you are. I'm SO glad you felt the need to take the time out of your life to try and drive a wedge between my husband and I. Good for you, you've just won the douchebag of the year award in my book. But, do whatever you want. it won't work. We've been to hell and back and our relationship has overcome it all and your petty attempt to screw things up didn't do shit.
And I'm sure you are reading this. Don't you feel special to be in my blog?

My Valentine

Has it been so long
before this moment
that I last felt your hand across my cheek?

That feeling I can remember..
had my stomach fluttering
and my knees growing week.

So love me
and miss me.
Tell me everythings gonna be alright.

Hold me
and kiss me
in your sweet dreams tonight.

Will it be so long
from this moment on
that I'll be safe in your loving arms?

I suppose I'll have to deal
with only feeling you
in my dreams lasting into dawn.

My November

To somehow give the feeling I have right now justice on paper seems like an inevitable disapointment. I feel as though I am surrounded by thousands of people in a room but have never felt more alone in my entire life.To feel judged by ever set of eyes that set upon me and to know that the oneperson I don't feel like I have to prove something to is thousands of miles awayis the most sinking-gut wrenching feeling I have ever had.I know for a fact that most people will read this and give me thosescripted words of encouragement. But I"m sorry to say that it does nothing.I wish I could say " Oh, it means so much" But nothing can ever replace the comfortfactor that my husband gives me when he is here.As I'm lying in bed, trying to make sleep overcome my nagging thoughtsI wonder if anyone can hear me screaming through my smile.I'm not the only one going through this. I get that. But every singleperson going through a deployment has a different hurdle to jump every day.I can say all day long how many people are in the same boat; but are they really?We may all be floating in the same body of water, But I think we'reall in very different boats. Some may even be the same model. But they all float a little differently as the waves come and go.I never knew that the presence of another human being would have such an impact on me. On my life, and my emotions. I think I would do just about anything to have him home at this very momentTo wrap his arms around my unstable self and without words, let me knowthat one day... Someday my life won't be filled with blind hope thatthe future will be better. I've always looked forward to something else, something better. But will there ever be an end to this? Well we ever live a life that weare completely happy with? I doubt it. But atleast one day; whateverobstacle I have to deal with. I'll have him right next to me. Dealing withit with me. I'm sure to some, this makes no sense. and to others, too muchsense.I'm not trying to piss anyone off, or make my life seem any harderthan anyone elses. I know it's not. But I feel like I've hit the bottomof the barrel filled with all my emotions. I'm slowly trying to sift through everything in my head right nowto try and figure out how to get into some sort of routine. I suppose it's back to making myself so incredibly busy thatby the end of the day when all I want to do is sleep; all i manage to dois think.
Someone should invent an off button for the overthinking mind.