My November

To somehow give the feeling I have right now justice on paper seems like an inevitable disapointment. I feel as though I am surrounded by thousands of people in a room but have never felt more alone in my entire life.To feel judged by ever set of eyes that set upon me and to know that the oneperson I don't feel like I have to prove something to is thousands of miles awayis the most sinking-gut wrenching feeling I have ever had.I know for a fact that most people will read this and give me thosescripted words of encouragement. But I"m sorry to say that it does nothing.I wish I could say " Oh, it means so much" But nothing can ever replace the comfortfactor that my husband gives me when he is here.As I'm lying in bed, trying to make sleep overcome my nagging thoughtsI wonder if anyone can hear me screaming through my smile.I'm not the only one going through this. I get that. But every singleperson going through a deployment has a different hurdle to jump every day.I can say all day long how many people are in the same boat; but are they really?We may all be floating in the same body of water, But I think we'reall in very different boats. Some may even be the same model. But they all float a little differently as the waves come and go.I never knew that the presence of another human being would have such an impact on me. On my life, and my emotions. I think I would do just about anything to have him home at this very momentTo wrap his arms around my unstable self and without words, let me knowthat one day... Someday my life won't be filled with blind hope thatthe future will be better. I've always looked forward to something else, something better. But will there ever be an end to this? Well we ever live a life that weare completely happy with? I doubt it. But atleast one day; whateverobstacle I have to deal with. I'll have him right next to me. Dealing withit with me. I'm sure to some, this makes no sense. and to others, too muchsense.I'm not trying to piss anyone off, or make my life seem any harderthan anyone elses. I know it's not. But I feel like I've hit the bottomof the barrel filled with all my emotions. I'm slowly trying to sift through everything in my head right nowto try and figure out how to get into some sort of routine. I suppose it's back to making myself so incredibly busy thatby the end of the day when all I want to do is sleep; all i manage to dois think.
Someone should invent an off button for the overthinking mind.